to menu 1.
.The U.S Navy-va-Canadians
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio
conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off the
coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Canadians: "Please divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid
Americans: "Recommend that you divert your course by 15 degrees north
to avoid a collision".
Canadians: "Negative. You have to divert your course by 15 degrees
north to avoid a collision".
Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
Canadians: "No. I say again divert YOUR course".
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE BY 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP".
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call"
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The History of Medicine
2000 BC - Here, eat this root
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1910 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1945 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
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How Beer is Good for You
I thought this would help you justify all the Christmas Cheer you will
be drinking this month. Just a thought:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, "we all know", kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers.
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1.Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2.There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
3.Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4.The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5.Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6.Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7.The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8.If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9.Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen
to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
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These Quotes are from actual Federal employee performance evaluations
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
When she opens her mouth, it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He doesn't get ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him some time.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.